how to find the love of your life?

there is no "the one," but there's probably someone!

The one

I have been convinced that I found 'the one' at least thrice in my life. Which is, mathematically speaking, at least one too many. It also tears up the notion of “the one” because how did it happen thrice?

I imagined a future with each one of them. Each so different yet they all shared the same hopeful longing. In that imagined future, our mornings would start with long hikes by the river. We’d walk in step, stopping to identify the insects that crawl the ground and the birds that would perch upon rocks. Our nights would end with me frustrated over the NYT mini games and he’d feign disinterest until I got stuck. I named our future kids. Imagined our laughter echoing through a home we hadn’t yet built. I saw us balancing busy schedules, texting about who could leave work early to pick them up from swim lessons and band rehearsal. I pictured our kitchen table covered in craft projects, our Sunday mornings spent untangling tiny shoelaces and teaching them how to ride a cycle in the park.

I imagined our arguments. Because even in my imagination, we weren’t perfect. I told myself I had to be realistic. Would I resent always being the one to choose the restaurant, my frustration bubbling up on an otherwise ordinary Thursday night?

Would it start as something small and snowball into a quiet, tense dinner? Would he sigh and promise to do better? Would I believe him? And how would we make up? A long hug in the doorway? A note left on the kitchen counter?

There is a casual precision with which we imagine these futures. We make up these scenarios so vividly because we believe there is a person out there who will make these come true. This person will be everything you imagined and more. Is “the one” the person you end up with? Or is the person you were most compatible with? That brings us to the next question, what is compatibility really. The deeper we look, the more the questions multiply. If there is such a thing as "the one," then how many times in our lives do we lose them without even realising it? And if there isn’t, then what exactly are we searching for?

why are we sooo hell bent on finding “the one” though?

"OMG, I’m going to die alone," I say, mostly for effect. It’s something my friends and I throw around easily. But how could we not? It seems to be a valid fear for people in their twenties and thirties. We’re told, over and over again, that love is out there! Repeatedly, insistently, almost aggressively!

I grew up on a steady diet of romance novels, late-night Wattpad binges, endless scrolling through couple-goal pictures on Pinterest, and Tumblr posts filled with yearning. The movies, books and the (not so) well-meaning adults only reinforced this belief.

All that said, I think we hold on to the idea of "the one" because it makes love feel safer. It makes it feel inevitable. That there is a destination and we are all headed towards it. So we take on the arduous journey!

there is a definitely “the wrong one” and you will most likely end up with them

We are only human and to live in this society means we are susceptible to its relentless nudges toward twos. Society builds itself around pairs, reinforcing their neat symmetry. Two chairs at the dinner table. Two tickets to the show. A shared subscription. It makes navigating bureaucracy a bit easier. Everything is structured around an assumed togetherness.

And if that isn’t enough, there’s biology. Or, more specifically, the subtle but ever-growing fear that if you want biological kids, you might be running out of time. You can be a feminist, progressive, deeply rational, and still feel it. There is that little voice whispering about freezing eggs and "not being too picky."

And not to forget, the looming fear of loneliness masking our avoidance of self-discovery!

Alain de Boton articulates this perfectly! He says, we make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us that fate.

So are you really making a choice? I think not! You are just looking for someone who just fits neatly into the spaces society has carved out.

how to think about “the one” then?

The thing about "the one" is that it is both a statistical improbability and the ultimate fantasy. So let’s all say it together on three: THERE ISN’T "THE ONE"!

There probably is someone! The knowledge that, across time zones and cities and chance encounters, we will meet people who fit into our lives in ways that make us want to stay. I know I have had a few of these encounters. Until you commit, every person you might love is both "the one" and not. I think there’s a way to think about this a bit differently!

I once came across a diagram about romantic compatibility. It made sense. Our perfect partner isn’t a destiny but a range of possible people, overlapping with our own shifting parameters of self. Read that again and read it again slowly!

And then, one day, we make a choice. Love stops being an abstract hypothetical and becomes a person who texts in all lowercase. Who eats around the crust of a sandwich like a child. Who, against all odds, does not like movies. Who patiently waits for 30 minutes while you learn how to parallel park. Suddenly, this is what matters. Not the idea of perfection but the small, tangible realities of another person.

Maybe love is less about finding the right person and more about becoming the kind of person who is capable of love.

Maybe "the one" is just the person we choose, over and over again.

The truth is, compatibility is not a precondition for love but an achievement of it. As de Botton (quoting him again) explains, "The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn't exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently." It's not about finding someone who completes our predetermined puzzle, but about finding someone who's willing to work with us to create a new picture altogether.

The one

Not to be cliche but, in a universe of infinite possibilities, I think the beauty lies not in finding the one perfect match, but in having the freedom to make a choice. Whether that's choosing someone to build a life with, or choosing ourselves, over and over again. No matter what people say, ending up alone isn’t half bad if you have a hobby and a personality :)

Well, as for me, I am just like Marina Tsvetaeva! I just want a humble, murderously simple thing: that a person be glad when I walk into the room :)

---

I also hope you will stick around! Subscribe and do a little dance when a newsletter lands in your inbox. Perhaps, leave your scarf here for now and come back for it later? I draw here, I leave crumpled notes here.